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Part One of Two
Congratulations if you are from an unhealthy family, and the “one that got away!” I’ve run groups for those from unhealthy families in the past and, after a couple of sessions, I would usually ask the members why they were coming. I would explain that, for each of them who was here trying to recover, there had to be dozens more who were unaware of how they were affected by their unhealthy family, in denial or still suffering. Almost to a T everyone that shared indicated they were here because, in their growing up years, there was at least one person who genuinely cared about them, who didn’t judge, criticize or put them down. That person fed their hope that things could be different for them and they were here to work on learning how to become different. Check back next week for Part 2. Peace, John
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Or, I might add, by what others told you about yourself and who you are. If that is negative, it is shame. Also, if you come to believe that you’re the one at fault, that you caused these difficulties (when you know you didn’t), that’s guilt. These things frequently happen and are caused by abusers. Abuse is about control. Not all abuse is physical. Here are some additional forms of abuse: physical violence; sexual violence; emotional violence; psychological violence; spiritual violence; cultural violence; verbal abuse; emotional abuse; and financial abuse. If you are in an abusive situation, get to a safe place and you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or in Connecticut you can call 211, Infoline. JUDGE YOUR SELF gently and find support from people who truly care about your well-being. Peace, John
I invite you to become a guest blogger. It’s easy: find a quote that speaks to you and write a few sentences about it and what it means to you, or what it means in general. Send it all to me in an email with subject line reading “Guest blogger.” I will review and publish it, with gratitude, and with the hope that others will benefit from it as well. If you need some help, I can furnish you with a quote or several to pick from – I have hundreds of them. Let me know. Peace, John
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A habit gets established when we do something over and over again until we do it without consciously thinking about it. Repetition contributes. We can judge our habits as good, useful, productive, or as negative, not helpful to us, or counterproductive. Where did you learn some of your current habits? Are they helpful to you?
I disagree with the last statement in the quote above. We are more than what we do, and therein lies the hope – the hope that we can change and improve any poor habits that we may have developed. I believe we are more than our behaviors. We have thoughts and feelings as well as behaviors that define us. We can change our thinking as well as our behaviors. If we have a poor habit and we want to change it, we need to become mindful of the behavior, figure out an alternative behavior that will be more beneficial for us and practice it, repetitively, until it replaces the old habit. While changing there is much internal conflict. The old habit doesn’t give way without a fight. The new habit is weak at first. Practice it, practice it, practice it! There, now you have it, the formula for changing unhealthy habits. Where in your life can you apply this formula? Peace, John
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THE TRUE MEANING of LETTING GO
Picture this: I’m happily settling into an airplane window seat, on my way to Buffalo on a business trip. Glancing out the window, what do I see? A baggage handler lifting my suitcase off the conveyor belt and carrying it back inside the terminal.
This is when I truly learned the meaning of letting go. Up until that very moment, in my early thirties, I pretty much believed that I was the one who was in control. Small things, big things. I hadn’t come up against much in my life yet that required a complete and total surrender. Enter that baggage handler. Carrying my suitcase off of the plane.
There was nothing that I could do. Absolutely nothing. It did cross my mind to run screaming down the airplane’s narrow aisle to try to get someone to stop the baggage guy, but I realized that would get me nowhere fast. So I sat back in my seat, and decided to enjoy the flight, to truly Let Go of that suitcase.
And do you know what? When I got to Buffalo, my suitcase was already there! Don’t ask me how. This one goes into that big mysterious book of life’s unanswerable questions. But it was there. I realized that it would have been there even if I’d spent that whole flight worrying and fretting about it, which I hadn’t. I’m glad I enjoyed the ride instead.
Time for Reflection
Pause for a few moments right now. What is there in your life that you need to let go of? It might be something small, like the way your daughter does her homework, or something bigger, like a past relationship.
Whatever it is, picture it as my suitcase in the above story, being carried away by an uniformed “baggage handler.” Realize that there is nothing you can do about it; it’s being taken out of your life.
How does it feel to let it go? Breathe into that feeling, whatever it is, and don’t judge it. Just allow it to be. If you feel so led, allow this story to inspire a SoulCollage® card for your deck.
~~~ Anne Marie Bennett
Hi! This is another guest blog from my sister. She wrote several for me to use while I was recuperating from my recent open-heart surgery. I appreciate her effort on my behalf and hope you enjoy them. You too can be a guest blogger for us – just find a quote that really speaks to you and share it with me along with several thoughts you have about how it applies to your situation or that would be helpful for our readers. Send it to me at jpacheco@personalgrowthconcepts.com (subject line “guest blog” and I’ll be happy to review it, and schedule it in the queue.
Blessings and Peace, John
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I’m putting this one out today because it’s Super Bowl Sunday, the day of the year when the most domestic abuse happens in the United States! Did you know that?
To the above quote I also might add, “by what others did ‘or said’ to you. Being sexually or physically abused is shaming – you’re treated as an object, as a target for other people’s feelings. They are unable to manage their feelings in healthy ways. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad. Victims are usually left with shame (i.e. messages of not being good enough or worthy) and guilt (i.e. messages of having done things wrong). In abusive situations those messages are untrue; those thoughts and hurt get internalized and can become the message the victim gives themselves about who they are. Accept that you were shown or given a bunch of inaccurate messages. “If people don’t pay rent for the space they occupy in your brain, evict them!” Find people who believe in your value and are accepting of you and your choices. They can help as you rewrite those messages. Create your own game plan! Change the self judgment; begin to heal! Become a new & improved you! Improve your Super Self! Win! You deserve it!
Peace, John
In addition to following me on Facebook and Twitter, you can also follow Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. on Facebook (@PersonalGrowthConceptsInc) and on Twitter (@PGCCounseling)
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While I am generally not a fan of Sigmund Freud, the above quote certainly has value. What we feel needs to be identified and accepted. Perhaps the easiest way of doing this is to discuss them with someone close to us, i.e. someone “safe.” It’s important when sharing feelings that you choose healthy people, ones who will listen, not judge and not ask why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Others’ acceptance of your feelings helps create the environment where you can accept them too.
Painful feelings could be “repressed,” i.e. pushed out of conscious awareness by our psyche which is attempting to protect us from something that is usually traumatic. More often, painful feelings get “suppressed.” This means we are aware of them but we try to make believe they don’t exist or they don’t bother us. Notice the mask in the picture above. This leaves us working against ourselves and is not productive. It may also contribute to depression.
If what you’ve been doing with your feelings hasn’t been working, why not stop burying them alive where they will come back to haunt you? Instead simply try to name and accept them. No need to fix what isn’t broken, just like there’s no need to bury what’s still alive! Remember, you don’t need to approve or like something to accept it!
Your feedback on this post, and willingness to share it would be appreciated.
Peace, John
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I used to think that I wanted to pray like a fella in my prayer group. When I shared that with him, he set me straight. He told me that my “talk time” with God was not supposed to be like his. He then told me whatever I had to offer to God in prayer was 100% acceptable to God. It took a long time of thinking about that and coming to believe it.
Sometime later I spoke with a trusted spiritual guide. I shared with her that I felt guilty for not taking the time to pray the way I thought I should. She asked what I meant and I told her that I had good intentions of setting aside time but then I got caught up in the things of the day, my work and didn’t get to it. I did tell her that I prayed in church and sometimes with certain clients. She asked me if I had conscious awareness of God throughout my day. I told her yes, that often I think of Him in the “inter-stitches” during the day, times between activities, times when I’m in my car, and times when I’m in transitions. She simply said to me, “That’s prayer!” I was taken aback, but as I reflected on it, I realized she was right. She also told me not to worry about the structure and the amount of time. She also asked how God communicates with me. I told her in different ways – sometimes an idea in my head (“aha”), sometimes something from my reading, sometimes in a song or the words of another person, sometimes in what I see and, at times, just a sensation in my heart. She also pronounced this as fine and told me I was on the right track. I was relieved, but it still took me a while to work this through and to let some of the guilt dissipate for not doing it “the right way.”
“The power is in the One who hears it.” The receiver has all the power. He is a better listener than I! He hears and knows everything, even my weak and sometimes infrequent attempts to communicate with Him. He loves me just as I am, with all my shortcomings, blemishes and character defects – I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one! He doesn’t judge – He just loves me for who I am.
Be mindful of God’s presence in your life and you are already praying. Your prayers are not wasted. Be humble, contrite, thankful and ask on behalf of your self, and others. When in doubt, to paraphrase Mother Teresa, “Pray anyway!”
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“Do you have a case of “less-than-ism?”
A lot of us do. Some of us have a warehouse, or warehouses of cases!”
What creates less-than-ism is when we compare our selves with others and end up on the short end. This is a frequent way to put our selves down, criticize and judge our selves and find our selves unworthy. We can be unmerciful in this. The result is shame – the lies about our selves we have been told and/or come to believe because we didn’t know any better. We now know better and it is time to change this process if we want to improve our self worth, our self esteem and our self confidence.
Suppose you only compare your self to who you were yesterday or last week and focus on the growth you have made? Suppose you clear the warehouse(s) and put them into your memories of yesterday (past). When you catch your self comparing your self to others, try balancing it out. “Desiderata” by Max Ehrman tells us, “If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
Put your self on the same level as others. Say, and do, “Eyeballs (i.e. ‘I’-balls) Inward!” Practice and soon you will close the case on your less-than-ism! Treasure your self. Empty and sell the warehouse!
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“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~ Mother Theresa
This is about one of my character defects for sure. I tend to judge people – less than I used to. The question for me becomes, if I don’t judge people “somewhat,” how will I know which ones might have a negative impact on me? Where’s the line in “somewhat?” and, if I judge them “somewhat” can I still love them? I think the answer lies in judging their behavior, the choices they make, but being able to love them for who they are, human like me and capable of poor choices. I think Mother Theresa had it right. Judging someone and loving them unconditionally are mutually exclusive. Who have you judged recently and what can you do to separate their behavior from who they are and to resume loving them?
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each of you reading this, and to your families and loved ones. Peace, John
TOUCHPOINTS, from Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. 