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If any of us grew up in a chaotic or dysfunctional environment, there’s a good chance we learned about people-pleasing at a young age. As children, we would give up pieces of ourselves in order to eliminate or ease the pain we felt in our families and home. We might have thought it was a diversion and it may have worked. However, over time, it ends up eroding our self-esteem.
As we grow older, people pleasing becomes a way of life to avoid rejection and/or fear. In the process, we live someone else’s life and not the life we were created to live.
How do we stop the people pleasing: Baby Steps. For example, your friends want to go to a restaurant you really don’t like. Why spend your hard earned money and time on something that you don’t enjoy? You can politely say “no thanks” or make suggestions for another restaurant. Or you’d like to make a career change and you don’t because you are going to disappoint your parents, family, friends, etc. You went to college for one field and are working in another. What would “they” think?
People-pleasing it is not about getting your way all the time as there are compromises we make in life. It’s about being in touch with your feelings and balancing your needs with those of others in a healthy way.
People-pleasing will erode your self-esteem over time. You’ll experience a low-grade feeling of something just not right. You ask yourself, “Why am I unhappy when I’m doing all these things for people that I love? Why am I unhappy when everything else on the outside looks perfectly fine?”
After saying “yes” to everything such as being over-extended at the office (taking on the work of others; working over-time again), saying “yes” to babysitting for your sister last minute while canceling or rearranging your plans, or, volunteering for everyone and every organization that asks. Then you wonder to yourself “How did I get here? I’m living a life that is not my own. Yes, I created this life due to the decisions I made – however – at the expense of pleasing others.”
If you are currently asking yourself, “This is not what I expected for my life?” you are in a good place. You are now open to un-learning this behavior called people pleasing and can start working towards re-discovering your authentic self.
Today’s guest blogger is Kathy M. As her writing attests, Kathy knows her stuff about people-pleasing. She has spent most of her life in that activity and in the past several years has made major strides in changing that habit. She is now able to healthily balance self-care with choosing when and how to do for others. Thank you Kathy for sharing some of your life lessons with us. Peace, John
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The flower itself is usually fine -no need for shame! If the flower fails to thrive, check out the location, the soil, moisture, sun, fertilizer. You don’t blame the flower –no guilt! Making those changes improves the flower. Why not enjoy a full bouquet? You deserve!
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I used to think that I wanted to pray like a fella in my prayer group. When I shared that with him, he set me straight. He told me that my “talk time” with God was not supposed to be like his. He then told me whatever I had to offer to God in prayer was 100% acceptable to God. It took a long time of thinking about that and coming to believe it.
Sometime later I spoke with a trusted spiritual guide. I shared with her that I felt guilty for not taking the time to pray the way I thought I should. She asked what I meant and I told her that I had good intentions of setting aside time but then I got caught up in the things of the day, my work and didn’t get to it. I did tell her that I prayed in church and sometimes with certain clients. She asked me if I had conscious awareness of God throughout my day. I told her yes, that often I think of Him in the “inter-stitches” during the day, times between activities, times when I’m in my car, and times when I’m in transitions. She simply said to me, “That’s prayer!” I was taken aback, but as I reflected on it, I realized she was right. She also told me not to worry about the structure and the amount of time. She also asked how God communicates with me. I told her in different ways – sometimes an idea in my head (“aha”), sometimes something from my reading, sometimes in a song or the words of another person, sometimes in what I see and, at times, just a sensation in my heart. She also pronounced this as fine and told me I was on the right track. I was relieved, but it still took me a while to work this through and to let some of the guilt dissipate for not doing it “the right way.”
“The power is in the One who hears it.” The receiver has all the power. He is a better listener than I! He hears and knows everything, even my weak and sometimes infrequent attempts to communicate with Him. He loves me just as I am, with all my shortcomings, blemishes and character defects – I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one! He doesn’t judge – He just loves me for who I am.
Be mindful of God’s presence in your life and you are already praying. Your prayers are not wasted. Be humble, contrite, thankful and ask on behalf of your self, and others. When in doubt, to paraphrase Mother Teresa, “Pray anyway!”
TOUCHPOINTS, from Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. 