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“Accept the person and situation for exactly what it is, instead of trying to manipulate it into what you think it needs to be.” ~ Mandy Hale
Are you as guilty of non-acceptance as frequently as I? [quite often]. I fight it and have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control here, or “God ain’t finished with me yet!” I want it to be the way I want it to be (read: think it should be). When I finally get a grip on the situation, I frequently remind myself, “This isn’t Burger King, I can’t have it my way!” – And you can’t either. Change what you can and let go (accept) the rest. Peace, John
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I’ve been guilty of joining their chaos – and on more than one occasion! It became easier for me as they grew older and I don’t beat up on myself as much as I used to. I suspect that’s a combination of my “little people” becoming “big people” and a little maturity on my part which helped my patience grow a bit. I think one of the best things we can do, when “they” get overwhelmed, is for us to know what we are feeling, manage it and help them identify (label, give name to…) what they may be feeling, accept them and their feelings, and not punish them. Behaviors could be punishable, never feelings! Quite a challenge, don’t you think? I think it’s almost always wise to stay out of their, as well as other people’s chaos. Peace, John
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EASY DOES IT – “There’s no need to put pressure on yourself. Take life one stride at a time and you’ll be surprised at the goals you have accomplished without the stress.” ~contributed by Aggie R
I’m as guilty as the next person, always putting pressure on myself. It seems that my “to do” lists, despite my hard work, keep getting longer and longer. The first SoulCollage® card I made is entitled “Rest” and, when I look at it, reminds me to take it easy. I’ve been a little better lately taking breaks and I seem to be getting a little more accomplished. Won’t you give it a try?
Peace, John
How to leave a comment on this blog:
First, make sure that you are on the actual blog: https://personalgrowthconcepts.wordpress.com (this is important if you are viewing the Touchpoints blogpost on Facebook, LinkedIn, other locations or, if it has been forwarded to you by someone else). Above the picture and/or quote there is a title and a date. Just below that, in small print, are the categories and the tags. These are helpful if you’re using the search feature. At the end of those there are the words, “leave a comment.” Click on that and follow the directions. Once you have typed your comment and click send, I will be notified and approve the comment before it will be visible to all. Please let me know if you have any trouble with this.
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First, I would eliminate the word sorry. There is no need to apologize when you quit playing the games in unhealthy/dysfunctional families. One of the biggest wastes of time is when they play the “blame game.” While you end up feeling attacked, they are avoiding responsibility for themselves. If you accept the blame, i.e. feel guilty, your efforts are often directed at reducing your guilt. They walk away scot free and believe they can do it again with the same result. When you take the blindfold off and refuse to play their game, you are being true to yourself (yeah!); they will try again. After awhile, if they can’t get over on you again, they will probably go find someone else to play their game and be their scapegoat.
Don’t go back and play those games anymore. Remember, the only way to win with unhealthy/dysfunctional people is to refuse to play their game. Their rules constantly change and their game is stacked against you! Truthful “I” statements will keep you in touch with yourself. Blindfold off. No more denial. Don’t let anybody else pin anything on any part of you!
Peace, John
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Many of us feel guilty if we say “no.” Do you think they trained, shamed or guilted it out of us when we went through the “terrible twos?” Have we become such people-persons that we don’t know how to take care of ourselves? Saying “no” helps define ourselves as separate from others. It also helps us take care of our needs and wants. When we say “no,” other people’s reactions/responses are not our responsibility. We can say no firmly without being caustic or offensive. We do not need to offer an explanation but, at times, we may. Remember, we can stay kindhearted!
I have an excellent article on when and how to say “no.” If you’re interested in receiving it, please send me an email to: jpacheco@personalgrowthconcepts.com with the words “Saying No” in the subject line and I’ll be happy to forward you a copy of it. Use what you can and leave the rest.
Peace, John
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A DREAM – written down with a date, becomes a GOAL.
A GOAL – broken down into steps, becomes a PLAN.
A PLAN – backed by ACTION, becomes REALITY – A Dream Come True!
A friend sent me this quote and it got me thinking. Every year on January first people set goals and by February, those goals fall by the wayside. I know I’m guilty of that. So, what causes us to lose sight of our goals even when we KNOW we should persevere? Maybe it’s the language we use.
How do you feel when you hear the word “goal” or “goal setting?” Now, how do you feel when you hear the word “dream” or “dream come true?”
This quote spoke to me because the language is clear and simple, and I love the idea of making my dreams come true. “Goal setting” doesn’t speak to me in the same way, it’s not as exciting.
If we tie our goal-setting to our dreams, that’s where the magic can happen; we can make our dreams a reality. What’s your dream?
Arden H. Church, LMSW
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A client once shared that, when he was a kid, whenever he shared a feeling, he was cuffed upside the head or put down and made to feel guilty or “wrong” for having the feeling. Most of our work focused on helping him figure out what he was feeling, accepting those feelings and then thinking his way through what choices he might make on how to deal with his situation. It took him a while but he was eventually able to reverse the pattern of denying himself his feelings and gradually, over time, began to find “safe” people with whom he could share them. “Safe” people are ones who will not ask why you are feeling what you are feeling. Nor will they invalidate your feelings by telling that shouldn’t feel them. “Safe” people will acknowledge and accept your feelings, and you, just as you are.
Do you have “safe” people in your life? Do they help you feel what you feel? Do they share and acknowledge your okay-ness? If so, treasure them. If not, consider getting some as a basic first step in healing yourself.
Peace, John
You too can be a guest blogger. Find a quote that speaks to you and write a few sentences about it and what it means to you. Send it all to me in an email with subject line reading “Guest blogger.” I will review and publish it, with gratitude, and with the hope that others will benefit from it as well. Peace, John
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There are two quotes today as we focus on improving our communication. I was recently admonished by a client for not responding quickly enough. I saw that as a compliment; I’m sure he did not! Often, we are too busy formulating our response before the speaker has finished. Slow it down. Give it your full attention (I am super guilty of not doing this!). Think about it before you respond – otherwise you are “reacting.” You may even want to check that the message the other person sent is the same as you received. To do this, you ask a question, like, “so I heard you just tell me that…. Is that correct?” This will help reduce misunderstandings. If you didn’t get it correct, it’s time to clarify before moving ahead. If you did get it correct then you can share your thoughts. To help the conversation continue, end with a question, inviting a response. Happy communicating!
Peace, John 
You can be a guest blogger. Find a quote that speaks to you and write a few sentences about it and what it means to you. Send it all to me in an email with subject line reading “Guest Blogger.” I will review and publish it, with gratitude, and with the hope that others will benefit from it as well. Peace, John
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And, I might add, not everyone feels the way you feel or deals with their feelings the way you do, or think they should.
I used to be guilty of all this, big-league! I believed everybody should be just like me. It took me close to a dozen years of bumping into reality before it finally dawned on me. As a matter of fact, it hit me hard one day when I was expecting someone to deal with a situation just like I would. If they did, and all the other things I expected, then they would be just like me. If they were just like me then I would be in a relationship with myself! I dreaded the thought and in that one moment, came to accept our differences as well as our similarities. It also took me down a peg or two and my ego became more right sized.
Why not change your expectations of others? Suppose you stop expecting them to be like you. Suppose you start accepting as different – neither better nor worse – just “different.” Perhaps you can give up the power game and learn some new things with them.
Wayne Dyer wrote a book, Gifts From Eykis. To paraphrase, “This is my way…. What’s your way? There is no THE way.”
Also, try this: “no expect, accept!”
Peace, John
P.S. A gentle reminder to turn your clocks ahead one hour tonight!
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I used to think that I wanted to pray like a fella in my prayer group. When I shared that with him, he set me straight. He told me that my “talk time” with God was not supposed to be like his. He then told me whatever I had to offer to God in prayer was 100% acceptable to God. It took a long time of thinking about that and coming to believe it.
Sometime later I spoke with a trusted spiritual guide. I shared with her that I felt guilty for not taking the time to pray the way I thought I should. She asked what I meant and I told her that I had good intentions of setting aside time but then I got caught up in the things of the day, my work and didn’t get to it. I did tell her that I prayed in church and sometimes with certain clients. She asked me if I had conscious awareness of God throughout my day. I told her yes, that often I think of Him in the “inter-stitches” during the day, times between activities, times when I’m in my car, and times when I’m in transitions. She simply said to me, “That’s prayer!” I was taken aback, but as I reflected on it, I realized she was right. She also told me not to worry about the structure and the amount of time. She also asked how God communicates with me. I told her in different ways – sometimes an idea in my head (“aha”), sometimes something from my reading, sometimes in a song or the words of another person, sometimes in what I see and, at times, just a sensation in my heart. She also pronounced this as fine and told me I was on the right track. I was relieved, but it still took me a while to work this through and to let some of the guilt dissipate for not doing it “the right way.”
“The power is in the One who hears it.” The receiver has all the power. He is a better listener than I! He hears and knows everything, even my weak and sometimes infrequent attempts to communicate with Him. He loves me just as I am, with all my shortcomings, blemishes and character defects – I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one! He doesn’t judge – He just loves me for who I am.
Be mindful of God’s presence in your life and you are already praying. Your prayers are not wasted. Be humble, contrite, thankful and ask on behalf of your self, and others. When in doubt, to paraphrase Mother Teresa, “Pray anyway!”
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Depression – it’s definitely the season for it, i.e. the letdown after the holidays and before spring finally arrives. You can use the above checklist for yourself or for someone you’re concerned about. The more boxes that you check, the more depressed you are. The above checklist includes many of the things a trained counselor will evaluate in determining the extent of the depression. In our office all of our counselors have access to several objective depression screening tools in addition to their own clinical expertise.
Depression is often silent – those who have it often isolate themselves and don’t like to talk about it. When they do talk about it, they frequently don’t get sound advice, even though most people are well-intentioned.
I believe it is important that depression be recognized and treated – the earlier the better. Treatment is available. Options include: medication, counseling and a variety of alternative therapies. For Major Depression, research has shown that medication and counseling are equally effective. What is most effective is the combination of both of those. The combination usually works more quickly and tends last longer. I am not aware of any research that involves medication, counseling and alternative therapies in different combinations.
Welcome back bloggers! It’s been a month since I blogged and I had no feedback about the quietness on my blog. Are you out there? Are you reading? Is it helping? I am particularly interested in any feedback you might give about what topics you would like me to blog about in the future. I have a standing offer that if any of my readers have a favorite quote and would be willing to share it with me, the source of it if known, and several sentences or a couple of short paragraphs about what that quote means to them or how it has affected their lives, I will consider using that quote and commentary as I make them a “guest blogger.” Will you consider becoming a guest blogger today?
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Self Esteem Affirmations
by Virginia Satir
I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, or feel.
It is okay for me to feel angry and express it in responsible ways.
I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decisions.
I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
I have the right to say, “No” without feeling guilty.
I have the right to say, “I don’t understand,” without feeling stupid.
I do not have to apologize for reasons when I say “No.”
I have the right to ask others to do things for me.
I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me.
I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly.
I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.
I have the right to tell others when their behavior annoys me.
I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.
I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them; I have the right to be wrong.
I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.
What a wonderful set of affirmations! Virginia Satir is the author of one of my favorite handouts, “Declaration of Self-Esteem.” If you don’t have a copy of it and would like one, send me an email. Here she provides us with a series of affirmations. She also helps us balance by understanding what some of our rights are as a human being. Several of them point out things that we may be doing that aren’t healthy for us and that we no longer need to do. She doesn’t provide a “how” – that’s up to us! Mindfulness of the messages we give ourselves in our self talk and of our choices in all situations is the key.
When I think affirmations, I automatically think of Louise Hay. Here’s an added bonus for you today. Louise Hay has tons of affirmations and you can find her at www.LouiseHay.com. If you’re on Twitter, you can get regular affirmations from her by following her, @LouiseHay
Peace, John
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“We are giving birth to ourselves. Let’s be midwives to one another through this difficult, yet exhilarating, process.” ~~Dudley Martineau
Birthing is a painful process – that’s why they call it labor! Birthing transitions you from that which is relatively safe, comfortable and warm to something unknown, humongous and strange. There is also a huge transition from a fluid environment to an air environment. Midwives help the mother and the child through this process. The quote invites us to help ourselves and others through this challenging process. If we and those around us have done our jobs well, it becomes a win-win situation. There are no shortcuts through the pain that we and others feel as we progress down the birth canal of life. When I’m dealing with people from dysfunctional families and I’m asked what I do, I often tell them that I am in the business of “birthing personalities.” When you see someone in emotional pain, why not stop and help them in their process by listening, understanding and gently offering some praise? Remember, for the most part, this is a natural process. If done well, the result can be exhilarating for you, the old and the new.
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“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, is a best-selling author and motivational speaker.
I agree with Dr. Dyer! Not only is blaming others useless, but the point I often make is that self blame is also a waste. Guilt is the result of blame. The “should” word is a sign of guilt’s presence. Blame and guilt immobilize. Most people get defensive when they are blamed and then guilt the person back. As we stop running guilt trips on one another, we can become more self-aware and can own the responsibility for the messages we give others, as well as our selves. Ever notice how self-responsibility trumps guilt? When the guilt bus pulls up, feel free to say, “No, I’m not going that way. I choose to wait for a different bus!”
TOUCHPOINTS, from Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. 