Gaslighting….10/27/19

“Gaslighting is a form of abuse –  someone tries to tell you something didn’t happen when it did, or when a person tries to talk you out of something that actually happened.  They deny reality in order to make you feel crazy, or as if you made it all up.  Abusers use this tactic on their victims to escape accountability of their own actions.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  “Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” ~ [definition taken from the National Domestic Violence Hotline website].

Gaslighting is one form of domestic violence.

I hadn’t known the term “gaslighting” until a year or two ago when an emotionally and verbally abused client taught it to me.  I googled it and read about it.  I was surprised that other clients had shared their experiences of it with me, but not the term.  Someone attempts to alter your recollection of something that happened in an effort to get you questioning your memory and/or sanity.  If they get you spinning around in circles and confusion, they believe you’ll never be able to hold them accountable for what they said or did.  If this persists over time it can wear you down, causing you to doubt yourself and, in the extreme, to have a nervous breakdown.

If you are being physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused, reach out and get some help for yourself.  In Connecticut, from a safe place, you can call 211, Infoline, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.  Also, in Connecticut, if you are not in a safe place, you can text 911.  Don’t hang up and the police will locate you.

Peace, John

 

 

 

Addiction & Freedom …… 7/3/16

“It’s all about the pain, . . . the pain, . . . the pain….”

       Addiction starts out with physical or emotional pain.  If you break your leg in a motorcycle accident or your lover rejects you, you will probably feel pain.  You should feel pain – those are painful situations!  Those prone to addiction usually have an irrational belief that says they should always feel “okay.”  Now, they have a conflict – an experience they have labeled as “not okay” and the belief that they should feel okay.  The need to resolve the conflict is high and they find that engaging in some behavior or taking some substance outside themselves into themselves will alter the feeling.  Addictive behaviors and substances guarantee a change in feelings 100% of the time, in the short run.  They don’t work in the long run; they wear off and the original pain returns.  This time accompanied by guilt (i.e. what they did didn’t work) and frustration (i.e. they don’t know what else to do!).  Instead of one source of pain there are now several and sooner, or later, the growing pain leads them back to the addictive behavior or substances for relief. Frequently people, places and things outside of themselves are blamed for causing the feelings that keep them locked in.  That’s the prison – a hellish cycle of futile attempts to avoid pain by doing more and more of what doesn’t work.

       Recovery begins by breaking the physical cycle of addiction if needed, i.e. separating the addict from the substance or behavior.  This involves surrendering that their way has not worked and will continue not to work and that there are other, better ways.  Early in recovery addicts need to be challenged and learn the new belief that whatever they are feeling is “okay.” They don’t have to like what they are feeling, but they have to give themselves permission to feel it and embrace it.  After all, they’ve learned that running away from it does not work.  Perhaps the opposite, embracing it, will work better.  In twelve-step terminology, this is part of “acceptance.”

       Surrender is about no longer expecting someone to unlock the prison.  Acceptance means taking the keys, unlocking and opening your door, leaving the “bars” behind you [pun intended!], ascending the steps [again], rejoining others and learning a different way of living in community and fellowship.

 “It’s all about the freedom, . . . the freedom, . . . the freedom….”

 Happy 4^th of July!

        Peace,

                     John