Isolation, Abuse and Help… 5/23/21

Frequently, it starts out subtle.  Asking you not to go out with your friends or playing the “poor me” so you will stay home and take care of them.  Later it can progress to more outlandish behaviors like forbidding you to call your relatives or even go to work.  Frequently abusers get you questioning your own sanity (gaslighting) and destroy your self-esteem, self-worth and even sense of self.  If you are isolated, over time, any support system you have erodes and you come to believe what you are being told by your abuser because it’s repetitive, wears away at you and there is no one to challenge what you’re being told about yourself. 

Verbal and emotional abuse frequently, but not always, can lead to physical and/or sexual abuse.  Abusers like to control people and situations – I believe that is just a mask for their insecurity.  Again, I believe, the more control one exerts, the more insecure one is.   

Here are a few numbers: 

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) 

Center for Family Justice, Domestic Abuse Hotline (greater Bridgeport area):  203–384–9559 

Infoline:  211 

Peace, John

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Dealing with Someone’s Mental Illness/Depression …..1/17/21

This is particularly true of depression.  Nobody chooses depression.  They can’t “snap out of it” any more than someone could “snap” themselves into it.  Depression can be caused by an upset in body chemistry and/or psychological reactions to life situations, many of which are out of the person’s control.   There are also genetic factors at play in some cases.  People who are depressed can do some things to assist their situation: regular sleep, healthy nutrition, regular exercise, more positive thinking, meaningful contact with others, counseling, and, if the depression lingers, an appointment with their primary care physician to rule out physical causes.  If you care about them, make time to be with them, listen to them, check in with them and share your concerns with them.  Do not be pushy and do not try to force them to do anything unless they are suicidal.  If they are suicidal, the best resources would be for you to call 911, 211, Infoline or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  Do NOT tell them or try to get them to “snap out of it.”  That doesn’t work!! 

Peace, John

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Gaslighting….10/27/19

“Gaslighting is a form of abuse –  someone tries to tell you something didn’t happen when it did, or when a person tries to talk you out of something that actually happened.  They deny reality in order to make you feel crazy, or as if you made it all up.  Abusers use this tactic on their victims to escape accountability of their own actions.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  “Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” ~ [definition taken from the National Domestic Violence Hotline website].

Gaslighting is one form of domestic violence.

I hadn’t known the term “gaslighting” until a year or two ago when an emotionally and verbally abused client taught it to me.  I googled it and read about it.  I was surprised that other clients had shared their experiences of it with me, but not the term.  Someone attempts to alter your recollection of something that happened in an effort to get you questioning your memory and/or sanity.  If they get you spinning around in circles and confusion, they believe you’ll never be able to hold them accountable for what they said or did.  If this persists over time it can wear you down, causing you to doubt yourself and, in the extreme, to have a nervous breakdown.

If you are being physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally abused, reach out and get some help for yourself.  In Connecticut, from a safe place, you can call 211, Infoline, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.  Also, in Connecticut, if you are not in a safe place, you can text 911.  Don’t hang up and the police will locate you.

Peace, John

 

 

 

Depression, Emotional Pain & Suicide ….. 1/7/18

Depression… It’s that time of the year known for depression – here in the Northeast the days can be long, cold and forlorn. Whatever sadness and loss we suffered through the holidays can just seem to get worse. Ending it all can seem like an option. A wise clinician once told me that most people who attempt suicide don’t want to end it forever – they just want the [emotional] pain to go away. Frequently they can’t even describe to you the pain – it’s as if they’ve been rubbed “numb” by life. The depression is often unspoken and hidden behind a mask of “everything seems okay.” The key word is  “seems.”

While National Depression Screening Day usually occurs during October, our counselors routinely screen for depression using a variety of checklists and/or screening tools/questionnaires. Depression is treatable with medication, counseling,  both, as well as with a variety of alternative therapies.  

Please be aware of people in your circles who may be experiencing depression: yourself, family members, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, club members and/or fellow worshipers. Listen and guide. 

In Connecticut and many other states, one can get help, someone to talk to and/or a referral for themselves or someone they care about, by calling 211, Infoline.

The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Peace,  John

Emotionally Abusive Relationships …. 10/15/17

OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH 

There is a high positive correlation between emotional abuse and verbal abuse.  Both are usually present when there is physical abuse in a relationship.  My comments below parallel each of the 5 items listed above.

#1 Placaters, the eggshell walkers, sell themselves out in the short run, but it doesn’t work in the long run.  Keep your sense of yourself, “say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean!”  

#2 Validate your feelings and your opinions for yourself and find those who will support you.  Remember abusers try to isolate you – have and keep friends.

#3 Remember, their suspicions and mistrust are their issues; you do not need to defend yourself or convince them of anything.  Stop trying – they ain’t buying!

#4 Open communication & the ability to agree to disagree are hallmarks of a healthy relationship.  So is the ability to compromise and negotiate.  If it’s their way or the highway, seriously consider the highway.

#5 If you feel stuck, confused, dizzy it’s because they spin you.  When you are confused, they avoid being responsible for themselves.  Don’t try to figure them out.  It won’t help you.

Be assertive.  Use “I” statements.  Seek help.  If it becomes physical, get to a safe place, call 911 and calmly tell the responding officers what happened and any risks involved.  Get professional and legal help.  If you need a safe place to stay, call Infoline at 211.  They can help you access shelter services.  Take good care of yourself.  You deserve it.  

Peace, John