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It’s hard to understand grief if you haven’t suffered a major loss yourself. Some may be better at imagining what that loss would be like. Many who have experienced a loss can relate. As a wise supervisor once told me, “John, sometimes the only thing you can do is be there with them in their grief.” When I heeded his advice, my client started to get better. To this day, I am grateful for that learning and remind myself that grieving is a normal process and that frequently, I don’t need to do anything to fix it. If you understand, just be there with them-no judging, no fixing, just good old listening and empathy. Peace, John
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Keep it simple! It is an art and art takes time and practice. Say “no” when you don’t want to, when what is being asked is inappropriate or too much, or not going to benefit both of you. You don’t have to give reasons. The only valid reason after saying “no” if you are questioned is, “because I choose not.” Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. If your “no” gets challenged you can simply reiterate it by asking, “What part of “no” don’t you understand?” Peace, John
Please send me some feedback on this blog. What did you like about it? What didn’t you like? What topics would you like to hear my thoughts on? You may also send me an email and a quote that you might like to see me write about on my blog. You can email your comments to me at jpacheco@personalgrowthconcepts.com Please put the word “blog” in the subject line. I thank you in advance and wish you well in who you are and in all that you do.
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Instead of writing my usual few lines, I am going to share one of my favorite handouts from Jack Canfield and Mark V Hansen. I hope you enjoy it and get it’s message as I have. Who have you helped this month? On behalf of each of them, I say, “Thank You!” Peace, John
One At A Time
A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean.
As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed upon the beach and, one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water.
Our friend was puzzled. He approached the man and said, “Good evening, friend. I was wondering what you are doing.”
“I’m throwing these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it’s low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don’t throw them back into the sea, they’ll die up here from lack of oxygen.”
“I understand,” my friend replied, “but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. You can’t possibly get to all of them. There are simply too many. And don’t you realize this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can’t you see that you can’t possibly make a difference?”
The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, “Made a difference to that one!”
How to leave a comment on this blog: First, make sure that you are on our actual blog: https://personalgrowthconcepts.wordpress.com (this is important if you are viewing the Touchpoints blogpost on Facebook, LinkedIn, other locations or, if it has been forwarded to you by someone else). Above the picture and/or quote there is a title and a date. Just below that, in small print, are the categories and the tags. These are helpful if you’re using the search feature. At the end of those there are the words, “leave a comment.” Click on that and follow the directions. Once you have typed your comment and click send, I will be notified and approve the comment before it will be visible to all. Please let me know if you have any trouble with this.
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Isn’t this a major issue for most of us? When people don’t understand what we’re trying to tell them, we need to look a little more deeply into the issue. Try asking yourself some of these questions: Did I explain it as clearly and concisely as I could? Is the other person vested in understanding this as much as I am? Can I break it down into smaller parts so they can understand it piecemeal? Why is my desire to have them understand it this strong? Is it true that they don’t understand it or do they just not agree with it? One other thing I like to do is to try one more time to explain it to them differently, using different words, perhaps an example they might be able to relate to, and then ask a question that would help me know whether they got it or not. Then I’d have to give myself credit for doing my best and let go. Continuing to explain it the same old way doesn’t usually help. Some people need time to arrive at the same understanding; and others may never get it. Can you understand that? Peace, John
I invite you to become a guest blogger. It’s easy, find a quote that speaks to you and write a few sentences about it and what it means to you, or what it means in general. Send it all to me in an email with subject line reading “Guest blogger.” I will review and publish it, with gratitude, and with the hope that others will benefit from it as well. If you need some help, I can furnish you with a quote or several to pick from – I have hundreds of them. Let me know. Peace, John
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This bully controls your thoughts and your behaviors in an attempt to manage your feelings, usually anxiety, and insecurities. Some think it’s biochemical; others think it’s genetic. If you have it, it can be like a bully, bossing you around. Unfortunately, it usually is moderately successful in the short run, but works against itself in the long run. Since most of it is in your head and deals with your thinking and feelings, most people only see the behavior; they are not apt to see or understand what’s going on with you. You understand and, if you try to explain it to them, their ability to “get it” can vary. Accepting it may be another matter for you and for them. In certain occupations OCD can be an asset, particularly when attention to detail is important. Medication, therapy (cognitive behavioral), learning to manage your feelings and finding support are among helpful ways of dealing with it. Someone once told me that whoever named OCD must NOT have had OCD. “If they did, they would have put the letters in the proper order, CDO!” So much for the bully! Peace, John
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“What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become.” ~John Bradshaw
This is a favorite quote of mine and I use it frequently in my counseling sessions to explain how people have become the way they are. It’s about habits that are reinforced, usually from childhood, to the point where people don’t think critically about them or even challenge them. When they understand the quote, I also point out something which Bradshaw left out and that is, if you want to change (hopefully for the positive), then you use the same quote and it goes something like this: the people you surround and hang out with, you learn from, what you learn you practice and what you practice, you eventually become. The choices you make about who are strong influencers in your life and how much time you spend with those healthier people help influence you to become more effective. It goes back to the small choices you make, the small changes you make and who you have around you that can support the positive you that you are becoming. Work on becoming, okay? Peace, John
In addition to following me on Facebook and Twitter, you can also follow Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. on Facebook (@PersonalGrowthConceptsInc) and on Twitter (@PGCCounseling)
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I believe my life is like a jigsaw puzzle. I don’t have a picture of what it’s going to end up looking like. My faith allows me to believe that God has given me all the pieces. I don’t necessarily have them all at once – He may dole them out as time goes on. It’s my responsibility to work with Him and the pieces in front of me, move them around and try to piece them together. If I force two pieces that aren’t meant to be together (usually, my will), then it upsets the whole scheme. I will then have to go back, separate them and find where they are meant to fit. Sometimes when things don’t seem to be going my way and I’m feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, I assume that God is moving the pieces around trying to help out, even though I don’t initially see it that way. I also don’t know how close I am to being finished. Again, my faith allows me to believe that, at the moment of my death, I will see the finished jigsaw puzzle, the picture, in its entirety and will understand and be grateful for his assistance in “moving the pieces around.” I thank you for the privilege of allowing me to share this belief with you and hope it can assist you in some way on this journey we call “life.” Peace, John
Please send me some feedback on this blog. What did you like about it? What didn’t you like? What topics would you like to hear my thoughts on. You may also send me an email and a quote that you might like to see me write about on my blog. You can email your comments to me at jpacheco@personalgrowthconcepts.comPlease put the word “blog” in the subject line. I thank you in advance and wish you well in who you are and in all that you do.
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It’s easier to think of someone who’s depressed as lazy, unmotivated unambitious or a responsibility avoider. That’s what we call, “blaming the victim.” Clinical depression is a diagnosable disorder. Many times depressed people don’t know what’s not okay with them. They describe it in terms of their symptoms: tired, feeling down, unable to feel their feelings, inability to shake it, loss of appetite, all sorts of sleep problems etc. If you ask them why , frequently they don’t know. They just know their life sucks and they don’t know what to do about it. Judging them or giving them “quick fixes,” doesn’t usually help. Caring about them and offering them options if they are open to them, may be helpful. Sometimes those may be the only things you can do to be helpful. Think about it – how would you feel if you couldn’t explain what is happening to you and people around you can’t understand you either? Help is available. Talk to professionals: family doctors; mental health clinicians, or call hotlines (Infoline at 211) for ideas. Persist in your caring but do NOT become pushy.
Peace, John
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“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” ~Alan Watts
When I feel confused my struggle often leads to frustration. My frustration leads to agitation and then my agitation moves me to confront the confusion by trying harder. Such unfocused effort increases the confusion, which increases frustration, yielding more agitation. I increase my efforts and get more confusion. You get it, right? Catch 22?
Repeatedly passing through this cycle consumes my time and increases my fatigue and exhaustion. Eventually I’m forced, or choose to pause and rest. This allows my body and mind to recover, replenish. It is during this period of rest that I often find clarity. Sometimes I detect a nuance in language or punctuation that suddenly reveals the meaning of a hard to grasp concept or a series of hard to understand actions. Sometimes, while pausing, my unconscious provides me an insight, an understanding that seems to just “snap into” the right place.
Understanding comes at times of peace and reflection. Effort for effort’s sake usually continues to produce distractions, misinterpretations and distance from clarity. Sometimes putting something on the shelf reveals its true function, whereas a quick glance and hasty interpretation can lead to irreparable damage. When confused, consider taking a break, stepping back, letting some time pass and getting a different perspective. You and your world deserve it
The above blogpost was written for us by our own counselor, Charles Rodriguez, BA. We appreciate his time and choosing to share his wisdom with us about handling confusion more constructively. Thank you! ~jp
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I believe this quote should begin with, “Abusive People…” as this is just another tool used by abusers to torment their victims.
If I had realized this a long time ago, I would have saved myself a lot of emotional pain and heartache, as this was a favorite weapon my last abuser used, and he used it often. But he was not the only one in my life to use it; I have come to realize, there have been many, very many.
I had opted a long time ago to make my speech more simplistic, easier to understand. I became conditioned into believing it was my problem, that I had a problem communicating with people because of the words and ideas that spontaneously flowed freely from my lips.
“Aren’t you fancy with all the those big words?” “What the heck are you talking about?” “You’re talking gibberish.” “That’s not even a word, you’re making it up.” “Where did you hear that from?” (said in a sarcastic tone) and “Someone told you a pack of lies” were a few of the remarks I’ve gotten throughout my life. “Who was I” they would say, to use, as my mom lovingly called, “Fifty Cent Words?”. (I’ve always striven to have a vocabulary as extensive as my mom’s).
I’d ask myself, who was I to talk on a myriad of subjects knowledgeably, believing I had a right to speak freely, talking above my station, or being “Uppity,” like some have put it?
So instead I thought about each word I said before I spoke, many times missing the opportunity to add to a conversation because I was editing in my mind, what I should and shouldn’t say so as not to offend anyone’s intelligence. Eventually it became second nature. I had conditioned myself to not make others feel inferior, never realizing then, that was not MY responsibility. I had stifled myself.
I have always been inquisitive. My thirst for knowledge has only rivaled that of my thirst for water; it’s in my nature to be so. And because of this quote, I will no longer dumb myself down; I will speak freely and spontaneously, (without intentionally harming others), letting my words flow effortlessly, just as everyone else does. I will walk away from those people who belittle me because of their lack of understanding; their lack of knowledge is no longer MY problem.
There is no need to be embarrassed nor feel inferior for not knowing something. Ask questions, look things up, Google it, educate yourselves. There is no one that knows everything about everything. And just because something is not in your sphere of knowledge at this point, that’s no excuse to disparage someone, making them feel crazy, because YOU don’t understand what they are talking about.
Lisa
We thank Lisa, our guest blogger today, for sharing her insights and experience related to Elvis’ quote. The term we use for this experience is called “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. It is a form of abuse.
Thanks again, Lisa.
Peace, John
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I would change the beginning of this statement just a little to, “Many people are unknowingly afraid to heal,” for they do not as yet understand that they’ve learned to cope in life within the confines of trauma to the point that trauma is their life; without it they are nothing but a blank slate.
Instead of learning who they are, and explore the possibilities of who they may be, they live their lives in constant survival mode, never living up to their full potential, never knowing who they were meant to be, or what they are capable of.
Sadly, if this is never realized, that person goes through life with little joy, little hope and never knowing that their life could have been amazing, that they could have been amazing.
Our guest blogger today is Lisa D. I thank her for her contribution and hope her thoughts help you understand how repetitive trauma inhibits victims from understanding themselves and their potential. Healing is possible but it takes hard work and time because the psychological wounds run deep. Thank you again Lisa! Peace, John
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Too many people do this and I don’t understand why. Happiness is an inside job. Abraham Lincoln allegedly once said, “Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
When you put the key to your happiness in somebody else’s pocket you become dependent on them. They become your jailer and decide your comings and goings in the world of happiness. What did you do to be sentenced this way?
Just because someone wants to be your jailer, doesn’t mean you need to surrender and be held hostage by their whims.
Today, who holds the key to your happiness? If someone else, how does it feel to be in the second car of their roller coaster? Sounds like it’s time to bail out and, as Lincoln said, make up your mind….
Peace, John
In addition to following me on Facebook and Twitter, you can also follow Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. on Facebook (@PersonalGrowthConceptsInc) and on Twitter (@PGCCounseling)
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As a counselor, clients frequently come to me and expect me to listen to their problems. That usually works for the first session or two but then, they keep telling me their problems. I think, “variations on a theme!” I suppose it helps them feel better to share some of their stuff… but repeatedly?? I think the “feeling better” is short-lived. When I hear them repeating the same problems I heard the past week, or several weeks, in the same words, I know they don’t remember having told me. I try to be patient as I nudge them a bit. I have frequently told them that my clients would get a lot better a lot more quickly if they spent only 10% of the time telling me their problems and 90% discussing possible solutions.
I also have been known to tell them that there are no problems, only challenges. It’s the same situation but a different way to understand it. We call this a “reframe.” With a problem, I tend to get stuck analyzing it, figuring out why, understanding it’s history, and focusing on the past. With a challenge, I accept what is and can look at what resources I have that can help me overcome it. Now, that’s leaning into a solution, isn’t it?
And it’s been said, “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Which are you? What would you need to change to become more a part of the solution? Now, that definitely is leaning into a solution!
Peace,
John
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… or, I might add, everything you hear. Frequently, what we see or hear, particularly if it’s different from what we would like to see or hear, creates a “reaction.” Reaction is usually loaded with emotion and hasn’t been passed by our logic/brain. Whoever it is that is managing what we see or speaking with us frequently has control when we “react” to it. When we react, we lose the connection with ourselves.
Can you just observe what you notice and let it be? Can you hear what is said and take some time to understand it? Taking time…. that may be a novel concept for some. It’s guaranteed to keep you in touch with yourself, to run your feelings through your brain and to give you a lot of choice in how you respond. I hope you noticed I didn’t use the word “react.” Respond -> the end result of choosing. Brain in charge here, not feelings. Healthier responses. Less anger. Less trouble. More peace.
Think about it….. Yes, that’s the point, THINK about it!
Peace, John
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A recent discussion led to a reflection that we don’t understand the value of light without being aware of the darkness. We also pointed out that the opposite is true. Understanding darkness is only possible when we have experienced “the light.”
When light comes through a window it allows you to see things clearly and often warms up the insides. When light hits a mirror, it reflects light into reality. We are windows and mirrors simultaneously. Now that’s a miracle! Thank you, Lord!
Peace, John
P.S. A special thank you today to Kat E., one of our regular Christian blog readers, who contributed the quote. Well done!
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What is it you really want? Have you had it before? If so, you probably already know how to get it – just like you did before. If not, what is it you’ve got to do? See, the key is in the doing something different. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again… (you know the rest of that statement!). So, figure out what you really want, figure out what you need to do different, start doing it different and understand that, in any process of change, there will be chaos. The chaos reflects the discomfort in letting go of the old until the new becomes more settled, more habituated. Welcome the chaos; resist the urge to go back to what was comfortable and persist until the new takes hold. Value the things that you do different to get what you want, and deserve!
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Why would you break a perfectly good plate? Because somebody you didn’t know told you to? Do you always do what others tell you to do? And then they told you to apologize to the plate… and you did that too! Mmmmmm….. Where did you seem to lose your self? Something definitely unhealthy going on here!
How do you fix what’s broken? Do you keep listening to others or do you try to figure it out yourself? Be careful, you might cut yourself on the broken pieces. Do you have to figure yourself out first?… And that takes us back to the first question, why break a good plate?
The morals in this story? Don’t lose your connection to your self despite what others are saying; choose wisely from several options including doing nothing; and, try not to break what you cannot fix!
So much for not thinking before you act!
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Visitors – sometimes you know ahead of time they are coming and sometimes they invite themselves and, unannounced, just knock at your door. Feelings are like that. When we’re awake and conscious we are always feeling. To get in touch with what you’re feeling at any point in time, say to yourself, “I’m feeling______” Fill in the blank with a word or group of words that describes your experience. Feelings are inside. Feelings are like a kaleidoscope – one pattern leads to another pattern, leads to another pattern, etc. Sometimes the kaleidoscope turns slowly and other times more quickly. Whoever said, “feelings aren’t forever” was probably right. Specific feelings are not forever – your feelings-life evolves and you may see some patterns that you saw before.
When the above quote says “let them come and go” it tends to imply that one has a choice. I’m convinced they are going to come and go and you have little control over their coming and going. For many people, letting them go seems to mean getting rid of them. This won’t work. A better alternative is to just accept them and their comings and goings. Be aware of them but also understand they are only one part of you. You are responsible for what you think about them (thoughts) and do with them (behavior). Trying to get rid of them will only make them stick around more. Two feeling rules are: #1 identify what you’re feeling (see above) and #2 accept your feelings as part of who you are right then.
How are you handling the many visitor feelings that show up daily in your life?
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“TALK DON’T COOK RICE!”
~Chinese proverb
I like this version of the quote, even though it’s grammatically incorrect! The quote tells us that simply talking about something doesn’t change anything. I can talk with you about how to go about cooking rice, i.e. getting a pan, putting some water in it, getting some rice, putting the rice in the water, putting the pan on the heat, putting the cover on it etc. but, talking about it doesn’t get us any cooked rice.
In order to get what we want, we’ve got to do all those steps in the right order. Perhaps it helps a bit to talk about it if one doesn’t understand the process – but then one must change the behavior if they want some cooked rice.
That’s one of the ways I view counseling. I often tell clients, the therapy doesn’t take place in my office. It takes place when you take the ideas we discuss here, out into the real world and you try them out. You come back the next session and we talk about what you did, how you did it and what the outcome was. If the rice didn’t come out so well, what do you need to change about the recipe to improve it? If you are satisfied with the rice, keep following the same recipe!
Now that you know this little gem of wisdom, what in your kitchen do you need to do to get a more satisfying outcome?
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“When you go into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying, ‘you’re too this, or I’m too this.’ That judging mind comes in. And so I practiced turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.” ~ Ram Dass
Guest blogger’s comments:
I feel like I’m trying to make my alcoholic spouse fit what I want him to do. Instead of accepting where he is now in his life and journey and letting him be who we is. I’ve been trying to change him. Also in my pain and anger I am failing to see with compassion what he might have gone through in his life. What has made him want to be so numb and so defensive and so closed off from feeling and wanting to be happy and being able to give and receive love? To accept it doesn’t mean I agree with it, condone it or have to let myself be hurt by it. This is my struggle.
[John’s note – thank you, VM, for taking me up on my offer and sharing this wonderful quote and how you are applying it. Any other takers???]
TOUCHPOINTS, from Personal Growth Concepts, Inc. 